The Prevention Blog

Democratic presidential candidate Sen. Barack Obama started the debate when he admitted to a high school audience in New Hampshire that he had experimented with drugs while he was in high school. “There were times when I got into drinking, experimenting with drugs. There was a stretch of time where I did not really apply myself,” Obama said.

I’m sure this is going to stir up a few conversations at home and in school regarding appropriate disclosure of adults regarding their own history with alcohol and other drugs. Continue reading if you are a parent and want to learn more about what to tell your own kids about your use of alcohol and other drugs. For faculty, follow this link to an earlier blog entry on appropriate faculty disclosure. Also recommended - Susan Porter’s article in our resources section Being an Adult in a Teenage World

I was at an airport years ago waiting for a delayed flight – I do that a lot – and I started a conversation with a woman sitting next to me. After finding out what I do, she asked, “What do I tell my own kids about my history with drinking or drug use?”. I gave my answer that I usually give, she nodded with polite interest. I asked, “What do you think?”. “I disagree” she said. “I think you should be totally honest”. “Why do you feel that way?” “I grew in house full of lies. I promised myself I would be honest with my kids so they would never suffer the pain of not knowing what is real.”

Most kids appreciate the candor parents can offer in this situation; instead of running from this conversation, look at it as an opportunity to have an open dialogue. This is a loaded question which has surfaced for a reason. Let me make an important point here; if you did not do “anything” when you were younger – then the answer is simple. It is a valuable experience to share. Share with your child the reasons why chose not to take the risk of drinking or using other drugs. A large percentage of youths do not use alcohol and other drugs. Hopefully, your child is one of those kids and wants to feel supported and may be wondering whether they are normal.

Depending on the age of your child, I believe your answer should reflect an age appropriate response. You should consider factors that surround the conversation like tone and situation. Research does not support one particular approach over another. The question can be handled in a variety of ways. I would recommend that parents stay within their comfort zone. Be sure to listen carefully to the verbal and non-verbal clues your child may send you during the conversation. Be thoughtful in your answers and do not rush thoughts if you are still mulling them over. Time in between answers can be useful in adding depth and meaning to the conversation. If you are unsure as to your child’s thoughts, ask for feedback – “How do you feel about what I’m saying?” Here are a few more ideas. As a parent you should keep the following questions in mind:

 What is my son really asking?
 Why is my daughter asking this question?
 What does my son already know?
 How much information does my daughter need?

Often at the end of these fact finding questions, many parents find that the child has lost interest in whether or not “Mom” did drugs and is more interested in why people try drugs – a behavior they are learning has dire consequences. Parents should also realize that pausing, taking a moment and allowing silence to infuse the conversation often gives the child and the parent a moment to think about their responses and attach deeper meaning to what has been said or will be said. It is okay for parents to say, “I do not know” or “You know I will have to think about that and get back to you.”

The Freedom Institute located in New York City provides the following series of scripted responses. These may be helpful for some parents.

Elementary:

Daughter: “Mom did you use drugs when you were a kid?”
Mother: “It sounds like you are study drugs/health in school?”
Daughter: “Yea, my teacher Ms. Adler said drugs were bad and a lot of people do drugs”
Mother: “When you say the word “drug” what kinds of things come to mind? Because there are good drugs and bad drugs.”
Daughter: “I don’t know I guess…” “I suppose she meant bad drugs”
Mother: “When you say bad drugs, can you be specific?”

Middle School:

I would encourage parents to initially follow the same line of dialogue as with the elementary child. Many parents will discover however that their child may still return to the question, “Mom, did you try drugs?” Let’s pick up the conversation from there:
Son: “Dad, did you try drugs?”
Father: “Wow, it sounds as if you’re learning about drugs in school?”
Son: “Well, just about alcohol and drugs, the teacher said a lot of people your age used drugs when they were young.”
Father: “I don’t know what your teacher meant to say, but I can tell you about those times. Would you like me to?” (Give the child the choice. Some will not want to pursue the topic any further, others will)
Son: “Sure.”
Father: “Many people my age who were young adults back then tried marijuana. We mostly called it pot. But we didn’t know as much about it as we do now. It was the same with cigarettes. We didn’t think smoking was very harmful either. So do you still want to know if I smoked marijuana? Think about your answer. How would you feel if I said yes?
Son: “I’ll have to think about it. Well, yes and no. Yes, because you always said it’s important to be honest. No, because I’m not sure what I’ll think about you. If you say no, you’ll just be a regular parent. If you say yes, I don’t know - it may be kind of weird.”
Father: “You’re exactly right. That’s why I want you to think about it. But remember, whatever you decide is okay, and whatever my answer is, we can talk more about it.

If you decide to tell you child that you did “try” drugs, you may want to follow the following steps outlined below.

Upper School:

 Be honest. Adolescents can tell when adults are being evasive.
 Recognize that many people in your generation starting using alcohol or other drugs much later in their teens, probably in college. There is a significant reduction of risk associated with alcohol and other drug use at later ages. Make your children aware of dangers of using chemicals during adolescence and tell them the risks associated with starting at an early age.
 Listen, listen, and listen some more! Parents often ask, “How can I get my son to talk with me?” I urge them to listen more and speak less. In addition, my former business partner Brenda always made this important point; adults always expect kids to get out of their comfort zone and discuss personal issues. Yet, parents rarely reciprocate. In order for trust to be built and conversations to go deeper, each person needs to be willing to take some risks.
 If you did “use”, share the consequences of your use. Tell them what you learned from the experience. If there weren’t any consequences, I’m sure you can think of other people you know whose relationship with substance was not a successful one. Don’t exaggerate or lie. Your son or daughter will find out the truth from someone and not trust you again for accurate information. If you don’t know the answer to something concerning drugs, turn it into a project by saying, “I don’t know, but would like to, let’s find out together.”
 Avoid lecturing and moralizing. View the conversation as ongoing, not a one-stop fix where everything has to be said. When I work with kids in schools, they usually take the entire four days with me to get to that one question that is foremost in their minds. They are usually spending their initial time evaluating whether I’m safe and trustworthy. Remember that with your kids.

No other question in all my years of doing this work has changed as much as this one. I do not believe in total honesty, especially with younger children. I like to call this - “selective editing”. I think younger children build their ideas of a safe world around the consistency and image of mom and dad. The news of mom being a pot smoker may be honest, but very difficult for an adolescent to understand or accept. In most cases, when younger children (K-6) have asked this question to me, I have found that their real curiosity lies elsewhere. I was given a presentation to a large group of six graders in Brooklyn when during the question and answer session a young man asked, “Mr. Wolfsberg, did you ever do drugs?” I paused for a moment and said, “Wow, that’s a big question.” I often pause when answering questions of younger students to allow time for their words to catch up with their thinking. To his credit he just stared me down waiting for an answer. I continued, “I remember thinking a lot about that when I was your age. Who did drugs, why they did them; I imagine your thinking a lot about that during a presentation like this?” The young man jumped in excitedly, “Ya, exactly, why would a person do drugs when they know it’s bad for them?” In most cases, I do not believe that young children are interested in whether we did drugs or not. But are looking for an adult to connect to the greater question behind their question, “Do you know how I feel?”

I think dad’s have to be especially careful as their son’s approach adolescence about how they share their stories of “passage”. In an attempt to bond, a father can romanticize the first and subsequent times getting drunk with buddies. Some selective editing may be helpful until your child has reached an age of lesser risk.

Review

• What is really being asked when they ask, “Mom, did you ever smoke pot?”
• It is okay to decide that you are uncomfortable with the answering the question.
• It is less about who you were back then, and more important to connect with your current responsibility as a parent now.
• For younger children, build in reflection time.